Lately I've been sad contemplative. It seems like it gets to this point every summer when I stop taking my antidepressants. Every day seems shorter than the last, every emotion less vibrant, every smile less real. I'm not sure what's going on upstairs. I think I'm making this blog to trick myself into actually getting to the root of that. My fatal flaw(?) is that I am a terrible liar so if I can force myself to reflect to provide content for no one other than myself to read, I can figure this out.
So let's see: how do I feel? I've spent the last two years living a delusion where I don't need to get a college degree and in the meantime losing almost every relationship developed in my adolescent life and inching towards a life of poverty because I don't want to suck it up and deal with the American mental healthcare system so I can get prescribed an ADHD medication that actually works <3 :)))))))
I numb my brain everyday because in the world where I'm not doing that, I would wake up horrified each day at the situation I've gotten myself into. In reality it's nothing terrible and a perfectly livable life. But the real Addisallah wouldn't settle for it. So instead of picking up the pieces and rebuilding, I run in the exact opposite direction. Let it all go to shit, I say, ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
The thing that keeps me grounded is ultimately love. Now and again, I'll have moments of clarity where I rediscover my love for all things trifling and corny. Whether that's my love for learning, Swedish pop music, human rights, or some dumb shit like html coding in comic sans, the realization is one in the same. Yes, it's an ugly world, no, there's next to nothing I can do, but I can do my best, whatever that is, day by day. Hence the playlist up above. Find your joy. Don't let it all go to shit. And keep up the good fight.
